The Legend of RickRoyorSteve 


Everyone in San Francisco ran and screamed in mass hysteria, avoiding crumbling buildings and splitting pavement. I, on the other hand, I was 20 miles away trying to stop a group of guys from killing an innocent man, in the midst of everything. What happened next was insane.

Well, first of all, my name is RickRoyorSteve. Yes, I’’m aware it’s a very odd name but my PARENTS couldn’’t DECIDE ON A FREAKIN NAME AND… -turns green and shrinks to about a half an inch in height- *Sigh* Yeah, yeah, about that. That’s what happens when I get angry. I turn green and muscular like the hulk, but instead of growing like a foot, I lose about 6. It’s pretty annoying. Luckily though, if I for some reason die or get squished, I re-spawn —-in a totally different time period—- which can be good or bad, depending on when and where I show up. In this instance, I was just outside of San Francisco, California in the year 1902 and I showed up in the right place at the right time… or so it seemed. But let’s start from the beginning, shall we?

I was on a “business” trip from Portland, Oregon to San Francisco, California to meet with the owners and operators of a gold mine about 20 miles outside the city. I was warned that they were quite the… um… well, stingy bunch (putting it lightly) and I had better stay on my best behavior. They all seemed alright, that is, until I was greeted by the owner.

"HOWDY!" He belted from the depths of his giant girth, grabbing my hand and shaking it vigorously.

"Good morning sir," I responded lightly as I tried to wriggle my hand free from his vice-like grasp.

"Ooo boy, you sound like you’s from da North end a’ town," he chuckled, "where ya hail from son?"

"Portland sir," I said gritting my teeth at his obnoxious manners.

"Well I’’ll be damned," he snorted, slapping his knee, "my wife’s from them there parts!"

"Good to know sir, now down to business," I said calmly, though in reality, I wanted to rip his trachea out, strangle him with it, and dangle him from a low hanging branch so the wild coyotes could feast upon the obese, swinging corpse of the man. More than enough to go around, I thought to myself as we both sat down at the large table in the center of the room, "I was clued in a little on the kind of operation you run here sir, and by the looks of things, you seem to have gotten yourself into quite the predicament, correct?"

"Son," he said in a very sincere, kind of quiet and shaky voice that sent chills through my body, as he removed his hat, "I’m in business with a group of men in which, I’’m under contract. They ain’t a fair playin’ bunch neither."

"Why don’t you opt out? Find a way to void the contract?"

"That’s just it, I’’ve tried sonny boy," he said in a saddened tone, "but no matter what I do, they find a way to keep me. Death threats towards me and my family, and anything else you can imagine."

"That’s just not right!" I exclaimed, trying my best to keep calm, "Why would they do such heinous things? What did you ever do?"

"Plain and simple, I know too much for them to let me go alive,” he said scanning the room nervously, “they don’t want their ways exposed."

"I see," I said quietly and somewhat sincere to seem sympathetic, "that is quite the problem."

"Well, that’s why I had them send you out here boy."

"Wait. Why? Why me in particular sir?" I questioned intuitively.

"First of all, call me Lonnie, son," he replied as he fiddled his stained, yellow shirt collar away from his sweat drenched neck, or lack there of, "And I had them send you…," he paused a moment to regain composure, "I had them send you, because you’’re the best damn agent around."

"Agent?" I wondered.

"Well that’s your nickname ‘round these parts. You can find loopholes and weasel your way out of any sticky situation you get into better than anyone else within 2000 miles of this place," he explained.

"I guess I can see that," I said, taken aback a bit.

"So, you think you can help a fellow man out?" he questioned with a lingering hope in his voice.

"I’ll see what I can do for you si…… I mean, Lonnie."

"Thank ya son," he said in a slight sigh of relief as he patted me lightly on the shoulder, "you’re a good kid."

He walked out of the room and I began to pack up my things. Just then, a young woman, around my age, entered the room.

"Good morning sir," she greeted in a dialect similar to mine and she wasn’t dressed in the standard 1902 attire. She looked more from, as you all know it, the common era, but she was still very beautiful. She reminded of a girl I knew from modern times, but I kind of ignored that because I was so taken aback by her breath-taking good looks. I finally came around and replied with a sort of nervous hello. She laughed at me a little and then offered me some coffee. I obliged to her generous offer and she returned very shortly with a cup for me along with one for herself.

"My name is Danielle. Everybody around here calls me Dani though," she said as she stuck her hand out towards me. I reached for it and instead of shaking it as she expected, I gave it a very tender kiss,

"Nice to meet you ma’am, my name is…."

"Agent," she blurted before I could even finish.

"Yeah," I replied, kind of annoyed by the interruption, "that’s me."

"You’re kind of infamous around here," she said, raising her cup to her lips to take a sip of her scalding hot coffee, "word really travels around here."

"I guess so…. So where do I find these assholes?" I inquired from behind my coffee cup.

"Well," she said, pulling me in and leaning in close enough to whisper in my ear, "they have a hideout near the North end of the mines. You have to be extremely careful and fly under the radar. That place is more heavily guarded than Fort Knox."

"Thank you, Dani. I appreciate the help."

I began to leave when she screamed after me, “WAIT! I forgot to give you some things.” She reached into a small backpack next to the chair she had been sitting in and pulled out some clothes. “You’ll need these,” she stated as she handed over the bunch of clothes.

"I guess if that’s all, I guess I’ll…" And before I could finish, her hand was latched on my arm and her lips were pressed tightly against mine. We stood there for a minute, lips locked in a passionate embrace and my mind swirling. We broke the kiss and a bit dazed, I stammered, "W-what was that for?"

"For luck," she said with a large grin.

"Do you usually kiss random guys you’ve known less than 5 minutes?" I inquired.

"Now is not the time to discuss. Go. You can’t afford to waste any time."

"T-thank you Dani… for everything," I said, still admiring the sudden bout of affection. I finally regained composure and headed out the door.

I began walking somewhat inconspicuously towards the North end hideout in my miner clothing. There were a set of large hills and thin walls of earth that had remained after the surrounding earth had been cleared by dynomite. By the way things were going, it all seemed like it was going to go quite smoothly… of course I was wrong. I was almost to the area where she said I could get a clear view of the place. Shaking and sweating, I began to make my descent. I crept along the side of one of the hills, trying to stay out of sight. As I passed through an opening, a guard yelled “HEY!” So, being me, I freaked out and shrunk. Of fuckin’ course, it just HAD to be a guard. I thought to myself. Being continually baffled by my sudden disappearance, I snuck up behind him while still being small. Once I became normal again, he turned around just in time to greet my pick-axe with his forehead. Not wanting to deal with the other guards’ shit if they saw him lying there with a pick-axe lodged in his forehead, I dragged him to the incinerator and disposed of his body. When I finished with that, I began moving closer and closer to the hideout. I had to keep showing my ID to guard after guard, which became quite obnoxious after the 14th time. But I had finally reached my objective. I was in the hideout. But what ensued next caught me totally off guard. 

I walked into the main room. It was dimly lit and wreaked of freshly brewed moonshine. Standing there were a bunch of mob-looking guys with guns pointed at me and three men surrounding Lonnie, who was tied up and gagged in the middle of the room, with a gun to his head. Just as I began to assess the situation, I felt a sharp pain in my back; the barrel of a six shot revolver being pressed into my spine.

"Hello there Agent," a sensual, familiar voice said between gritted teeth. Just then did I realize,

"Dani," I muttered softly.

"Damn right," she chuckled maniacally, "who else would it be?"

"What the hell is going on here?" I said in angst as she jammed the barrel harder into my spine, "I thought you were on our side."

"You thought wrong," she spouted, "I can’t believe you were dumb enough to fall for this."

"But… t- that kiss."

"Y’ALL KISSED!?" Lonnie blurted in shock.

"Shut him up," Dani ordered one of the men, who pistol whipped Lonnie in the face.

All I could do was stand there and watch while they beat on him, knowing if I moved, we’d both be dead.

"Pfft. This was all too easy" she scoffed, "and by the way, I’m a lesbian so that kiss didn’t mean jack."

I just stood there stunned by the sudden turn of events. I was already a whirlpool of emotions at this point, but seeing Lonnie tied up and beaten and finding out Dani had mislead me, in many ways, I got pissed. And of course, I shrunk. It would actually wind up working to my advantage. Being small, I found the door to the armory, located at the rear of the hide out, and snuck under the door. Once in there, I regained my normal size. I could hear the hysteria and confusion outside the door and chuckled maniacally under my breath. I busted open the gun safe with the pick-axe, grabbed as much ammunition and firearms as I could, and busted down the door to the main room. I began shooting aimlessly, but with enough skill and accuracy that I picked off every single one of them except for Lonnie and Dani, though I had hit her in the shoulder with a bullet from the Smith and Wesson I had acquired from the gun safe. I untied Lonnie while Dani was in the corner, harboring her wound. Once untied, I pushed Lonnie towards the door and told him to run. He weaseled his “’majesty’” through the small opening they called a door. I turned around to Dani being nowhere to be found. The only hint I had to her whereabouts was the trail of blood droplets on the floor. As I followed the last couple of drops, I felt a thin, sharp blade being firmly pressed under my chin, up against my throat.

"Any last words?" She said, choking on the pain of the bullet that was lodged in her shoulder.

"Yeah," I retorted, "two in fact."

"Well!? Spit ‘em out!"

"Stupid bitch."

"W-wha…?" And just like that I was gone… or so she thought. She looked around and spotted me running towards the door, half an inch tall, and began trying to stomp on me. The chase spilled out into the entrance of the actual mine. Just then, even worse disaster struck.

"EARTHQUAKE!" The workers screamed in horror trying to evacuate as quickly as they could. And just as we began to realize what was ensuing, a giant chunk of debris fell and trapped Dani’s leg. She screamed in horror and agony and pleaded for help before completely blacking out. And of course, being the sucker I am, I regained size just in time to lift the debris off of her. I grabbed her with a fireman’s carry, and got her safely to an area to be treated for her wounds. Just then, a giant boulder fell from a nearby hillside and proceeded to bowl me over and I got stuck between, well, a rock and a hard place.

And that’s how I wound up here talking to you. I died in the 1902 earthquake and wound up re-spawning here in the year 2011. Told you it was a crazy story, though you probably didn’t believe me at first. I’m sure you probably thought, or even still, think I’m on crack. But whatever you choose to believe, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.